My walk today + bedtime moodz.

TW: medical battles, mental health battles, mention of self harm.

So, I looks like something medical professionals assume about me is a vitamin D deficiency (insert [giggity] sex joke here).
I’m pale, y’all. I walk my dog outside for an hour a few times a week. I take supplements. I am, physically, the healthiest I’ve ever been. And every month the week before my period, I want to die. I have to stop myself from making plans. Wrap up loose ends. At first I thought, “Oh. It’s just once a month. I can power thru!” Then…I realized I would feel this way every month for the rest of my life. One week in mental anguish, the next in physical anguish, then two weeks of possible happiness. However, life happens, & I am already at a disadvantage because of my period.

I would like to end my period with surgery that will also make me sterile.

You see, I also have an intense fear of pregnancy. Becoming pregnant would be the worst thing that could happen to me. The whole process is horrific to me.

I don’t have an aversion to pregnancy, in general. There are so many wonderful parents who are clearly in a massive labor of love to care for their children. I attend baby showers. I visit in the hospital. I just…am not about that life. For myself. No thank you.

So. I have this excruciating & absolutely useless biological function. Make it stop. Just get it out of me. I know I’ll go through menopause. And nothing anyone has ever said to me has ever given me even the slightest impression than it’s worse than the mental battle of keeping yourself from self harm. Hot flashes are fine. I do not care. Vaginal dryness is fine. I will buy lube with the money I save on period products. I already have sleep issues. I already have mood issues. But this way they might…eventually stop.

I understand I may have to go on hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I understand that it’s “basically birth control” anyway. If I wanted to have children, birth control would be the next step. I do not. The peace of mind, knowing it would be, truly, impossible for me to be pregnant, THAT is worth more to me than going through menopause early. And I could be done with it all. Once it was over, it would be over.

That’s why I wanted to do this. I’ve wondered if it’s some weird gender thing of mine. Then I roll my eyes at myself, wondering why gender has to come into every-fucking-thing. But. That’s also kind of my ‘gender thing’, isn’t it?

Is it a gender thing? I’m genderfluid. They/them/their or xey/xem/xeir. I certainly don’t have the same emotional attachment to my ovaries that my obgyn does. I don’t want to be a parent. I’m not crazy about having people in my house. In my space. In my body. No. No thank you.

I’d like to go to the doctor, and not have them say I need to take care of myself so I’ll be healthy for pregnancy (actual thing a doctor said to me). Fuck. I just want to get Taco Bell whenever I want without someone worried about my health…for the sake of a baby (or husband!) that doesn’t even exist.

I don’t WANT to be desired for my ‘birthing hips’ (another actual thing said to me). I don’t want to get dumped because cancer runs in my family (totally an assumption of the motives behind why a man dumped me). I want people to be around me just for me. Not for other, imaginary people or my ability to produce such.

I want to stop feeling like a breeding mare. That’s what it makes me feel like. I don’t want it anymore. Take it out…is that a gender thing? I honestly don’t know. I think that might be part of the non-binary experience. So. Can this be gender affirming surgery? Am I just grasping at straws? Why am I not able to make this decision about my own body? Why do I have to jump through so many goddamn hoops for it? Why is everyone else so concerned with what I will or will not regret? Do they say all this to people who go through menopause naturally?

But telling me I clearly don’t go outside. That I just have bad PMS, and vitamin D deficiency can be a cause of that…

I won’t want to kill myself if I go outside more.

That’s shockingly similar to what my first therapist said to me when I told her I was scare I would hurt myself. I probably just need to drink more water & get more sun.

Ok. I guess that’s a thing. So…I’m gonna try to take more walks & get a sun lamp. Then the next doctor can’t use that as an excuse to not give me the care I ask for.

Published by explorinfloren

Floren Kyteler (they/them/their or xey/xem/xeir) is a New York trained actor, experienced producer, and is a self-advocate of mental health & LGBT+ rights.

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